03. 📬 Lessons From My Father: On Masculinity, Legacy, and Love
a great dad is a precious commodity
In my late twenties, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. While caring for him and hoping I wouldn’t lose him, our relationship shifted. That time made me reevaluate what had always been a wonderful relationship with him and helped me recognize that he’s just a man. That season changed me. His role evolved into more of a confidant and advisor to an adult, rather than the all-knowing father. Thankfully, he went into remission, and during his recovery, I committed myself to seeing and learning from the person he was and is.
Lessons From My Father
1. Masculinity Isn’t Fragile
A masculine man lives by a set of morals and is realized when a person owns who they are, warts and all.
I am a daddy’s girl, and though my dad isn’t my best friend, he’s a man I respect wholeheartedly. Throughout my life, he has shown me that masculinity isn’t fragile, nor is manhood contingent on others. He isn’t ashamed of being a country boy from Florida and is very proud of the people who raised him. The confidence he demonstrates to the world comes from accepting the limitations of his upbringing alongside the life he has forged for himself. He’s the son of a teacher and a homemaker who taught him to value family, community, and the pursuit of knowledge. These values he has passed on to his children by being present, raising us in a community of like-minded Black people, and instilling in us a knowledge of our history as the foundation for our identity.
2. A Great Father Raises Adults, Not Just Children
A father takes the responsibility of partnering and raising children seriously, making sacrifices and actively choosing to raise them with a vision for who they can become in the world.
My dad taught me how to check the oil in my car, how not to get hustled by a mechanic, and how to negotiate when buying a vehicle. He has also shown me that a man can express love for his children openly and play an active role in their character development. Thanks to my mother, I’ve been a musician for as long as I can remember. In high school, my dad was the band parent, always present for game nights and parades. At my 20th high school reunion, I realized that his presence not only impacted me but also influenced the many children around me. When I was in the band, he was the parent who never missed a game night or a parade. Years later, at my high school reunion, every former band kid asked about him. They had stories. They remembered his presence. A greater father prioritizes his children’s needs over his own until they are old enough to take on responsibilities themselves.
3. Marriage Is Maintenance and Commitment
Partnership is tough. Blending lives and raising children is not easy, but when done together, it creates a life you can be proud of.
Now that I’m older, I recognize the many ways a good man treats his partner. I’ve never seen my mom take out the trash in my life. The fights between my parents, which I do remember, live rent-free in my head, and though I don’t know how they resolved things, I do know they kept going. There was no bitterness, no chaos. Just effort. I watched my father support my mother through both successful and failed businesses. He worked multiple jobs while going back to school. He took us to the library and created summer curricula. And through it all, he never required her to shrink to make room for him. Their love isn’t perfect, but it’s real. And after over 40 years of marriage, I know now that it wasn’t ease that sustained them. Two people coming together from disparate lives can make it work by growing together, putting aside ego, and choosing each other again and again.
4. Black Men Need Black Men
My dad has always valued the role of Black women in the lives of Black men. But he also showed me that men need male community. Black men need each other.
Black people share similar struggles, but we encounter different issues and need a community that inherently understands our life challenges for ongoing support. Their collective actions advance communities, shape political identity, and can transform boys into responsible, well-adjusted men. My dad not only demonstrated his version of masculinity to my brothers but also allowed them to experience what it means to be a man among men, carefully cultivating who they are through exposure to others and ongoing guidance. He gave my brothers time with our grandfather. He took them fishing. He showed them what it means to grow food with your own hands. He put them in the presence of other good men, modeling that manhood isn’t meant to be forged in isolation. The time he spent with my grandfather helped all of us become the deeply rooted individuals we are today. Now, his male friends are his companions and partners in hobbies and adventures. That kind of male friendship is sacred. And it's something we need to encourage more openly.
5. Legacy In Action
As a grandfather, he demonstrates the legacy of generations.
Today, I watch my dad be a grandfather. The kind who shows up for birthdays, dance recitals, and hard moments both big and small. The kind who spoils the grandkids and still offers real guidance when it’s needed. More importantly, he’s shown me that a masculine man is just a man. He has dreams and goals. He's not all-knowing. He needs support too, but he’s humble enough to discover when he needs to learn how to fix the car, grow the food, or complete his undergraduate education.
The Standard He Set
Knowing who my father is as a dad and a man has shaped the way I engage with men in my own life. His example has set the standard. It’s taught me what to look for, what to value, and what to walk away from. Most importantly, a great father never stops being just that. He’s my rock in a weary land, my greatest advisor, and my confidant when this world is too much. My reminder that there are plenty of good Black men in the world.
As I approach forty, I’m more aware than ever of what a gift it is to have a great father.
💭 What about you?
Have you had to relearn a parent as an adult?
What’s something a father figure has taught you that you still carry?
Leave a comment or hit reply. I’d love to hear your story.
If you've made it this far (THANK YOU!)! My name is Achia, and I live in Atlanta, GA. I will be turning 40 in 2026, and this is part three of a series I’m calling “40 Lessons Before 40.” I’m sharing one story at a time, and I hope you join me on the journey. I look forward to learning from you along the way.
Until next time,