04. 📬 The Question That Changed My Life
when figuring it all out feels impossible, start with what you’re leaving behind.
Around the age of 18, we are thrust into adulthood. It’s a challenging time. You face questions from others about what career path you want to pursue. You’re navigating the process of finding new friends and developing relationships that seem crucial to your future. Throughout your twenties, even when you have settled on a career path and reached the life milestones society considers essential, turning thirty feels threatening to all that. If you go on any social media platform right now, you will find many people between 27 and 29 sharing their angst over not meeting society’s expectations before or at 30.
By the time I turned 30, I decided to return to college for a graduate degree to transform my life. That decision wasn’t born from fear; rather, it marked the beginning of the journey that my thirties would become. It was a journey to discover my foundational self, or better yet, to determine the life I want to lead.
Forget the Five-Year Plan
Many people encouraged me to consider who I wanted to be after graduating from undergrad. It was a question meant to help me select a career path, rather than settle for any job. At the time, that question always felt too overwhelming given my life circumstances. Twenty-five-year-old me needed the basics: food, shelter, safety. I had no idea what the next five years would bring. Don’t get me wrong, I made short-term plans. I naturally have a plan for most things, but the thought of knowing who I would become while still trying to understand what adulthood meant seemed absurd.
So, there I was, finishing my 28th year on Earth and transitioning from one profession while exploring how I wanted to move forward in life. However, this time was different because I had ten years of experience as an adult. I knew how to meet my basic needs. My friends were solid. Unlike me, some of them were advancing in their careers rather than starting over. This left me with very few mentors and even fewer people who I could commiserate about the idea of changing my entire life.
Should I remain in my long-term partnership?
Should I consider moving to a different state?
Should I consider returning to school?
Should I continue pushing until I overcome this urge to blow up my life?
All great questions; I couldn't answer them at the time. Then, sitting in a coffee shop in front of a laptop I couldn’t afford to replace, I flipped the script. Instead of asking myself what I wanted to do, I asked myself: What life don’t I want to lead?
your twenties are for asking. your thirties are for answering
Et voila!
Answering that question took me an entire year, but doing so opened the floodgates to changing my life. This was a question that truly addressed the brass tacks of who I am as a person: my values, my community, my entire identity.
I remember the week before I started college when I first went natural. I was shopping around for that decision by sharing my thoughts with my family and receiving opinions that hurt and shocked me, but ultimately didn’t change my mind. At 18, I was new to making choices that went against the advice of those I loved and respected. Now, at 29, I sat alone with this question, not seeking input or validation from others. The 29-year-old me was an adult ready to decide what my life would look like for myself.
It was easy to envision continuing in the career I’d chosen versus going back to school to pursue something else. I have sat in orchestras my entire life, being the only brown or Black person among a sea of whiteness and dealing with microaggressions, while loving the music and the performance, practicing day in and day out. Since the age of three, that life was something I knew and was groomed to achieve. Even teaching in schools wasn’t far from the beaten track. I gave my first violin lesson to a beginner at age eleven. Throughout my twenties, I continued to teach private and group music lessons as a classical musician. After moving away from performance, I recognized that dealing with the American school system was not the path I wanted for the rest of my working life. Therefore, if I didn’t want to perform in orchestras or teach in the school system, attending graduate school to switch careers didn’t feel like a risk or a difficult decision.
My values were easy to identify and have anchored me ever since. I grew up in a community of supportive friends and family. My parents actively raised us to recognize and understand our history, providing us with a solid foundation for self-awareness. Attending a couple of PWIs allowed me to test those values and my confidence repeatedly, helping to solidify the beliefs that guide my life choices. By the time I was 29, my core values were rock solid.
The hardest part of answering that question was challenging society's expectations. Society tells me that I am a dark-skinned Black woman. This means I should work harder and longer to achieve stability. That stability should include marriage, at least two kids to further the culture, and I should lead a life where I’m independent and strong until I allow a man to take the lead. Until then, my aim should be to look beautiful, healthy, and invincible. I’ve been in a relationship throughout my twenties, so naturally, I should get married and start a family.
What Life Don’t You Want To Lead?
It took me over a year of questioning my relationships and myself, but eventually I decided to step outside the boxes society continually tries to place me in. As I approached thirty, I wasn’t sure what life would look like, but I knew I didn’t want to work forever for less. I didn’t want to adopt the strong Black woman label blindly. I could choose to be both soft and strong.
By the time I turned thirty, I realized that I didn’t have answers about where my life was heading or exactly what I wanted it to look like. However, I did know the life I didn’t want to lead, and that held infinite value. Now that I’m approaching forty, I have remained committed to my values, excelled in a new career, and cultivated a community that’s stronger than ever. I’ve chosen a life I don’t need a break from, and that life requires me to be both strong and soft. In my thirties, I practiced challenging societal norms and implemented a couple of five-year plans.
I said all this to say that when you are questioning life and can’t seem to find answers, the greatest comfort and sense of self can come from deciding what life you don’twant to lead.
If you’re questioning everything right now...
👉 Try asking yourself what life you don’t want.
👉 Get clear on what you refuse to carry forward.
👉 Then build from there.
If you've made it this far (THANK YOU!)! My name is Achia, and I live in Atlanta, GA. I will be turning 40 in 2026, and this is part four of a series I’m calling “40 Lessons Before 40.” I’m sharing one story at a time, and I hope you join me on the journey. I look forward to learning from you along the way.
Until next time,