05. 📬 You Don’t Owe Anyone the Life They Imagined for You
unlearning the script, trusting your gut, and choosing your own timeline.
This hard-fought and well-learned lesson didn’t happen because of a single epiphany. In my 30s, I’ve battled with myself and others over expectations. The expectations I set for myself, as well as the standards society has imposed on me. There’s a script that so many of us were handed. Maybe you know it by heart, too:
Get an education
Find a good job
Get married
Have a few kids
Raise the kids
Take care of my parents
THEN it’s your turn.
But what if you never actually agreed to those terms? This realization rarely comes as a single epiphany. It shows up in layers over time through burnout, continuous hard choices, quiet resentment, and feeling boxed in by society’s expectations. For many of us, especially those raised to believe in the importance of community, family, faith, and putting others first, individualism can feel selfish. Saying “I want something different” is unfamiliar and difficult.
Here’s the truth: You Don’t Owe Anyone A Thing
I earned a Bachelor’s degree because I saw it as the best way to reach the future I envisioned. During my senior year of college, while working in retail, I learned for the first time the difference between having a job and building a career. We’re told that college will lead to a job, but when I thought about working my way up the career ladder I’d chosen, my perspective shifted. I started to examine the systems I was part of. Considering the boys' club at the top of many orchestras, I looked at how some of my mentors were living, and my dream career suddenly felt less ideal. When I considered returning to graduate school to change my path, I looked not just at that first job, but also at the overall career trajectory and the lives of those at the top of the industry.
Graduating during the 2008 financial crisis was tough. But I was doing what I loved, so I remained optimistic. It didn’t take long to see that enjoying a job isn’t the only factor when choosing a career; you also need to think about the kind of life you want to build while pursuing that career. Yes, I enjoy my work, but how much time do I get outside of it to live on my terms? Do I have to live in a specific location to perform my job? Will the road to advancement consume so much of me that life passes by until retirement? Then, I met with an administrator at a potential school and was struck by the idea that I could do whatever I wanted. I realized I had been boxing myself in, because everything suggests that once you pick a career, you should stick with it.
You CAN change your career.
You can go back to school.
You can learn a new skill or trade.
You can start over again and again.
Not everyone who wanders is lost
And if you’re someone who grew up with messages about marriage and motherhood being the ultimate markers of womanhood, I see you. Women usually have a clear idea of their wedding plans and how many children they want before they even find a partner. And often, we weren’t encouraged to even ask ourselves whether those dreams were truly ours, or inherited. Because of biology, women often feel scared to question having children. Maybe you deeply desire marriage and children. That’s okay too. You are a complete person, with or without marriage and partnership.
We don't get to choose whether we exist. We’re not all dealt the same hand when we come into this world, so our paths will be different. You can follow a very conventional life and find great happiness. Or you can take the less-traveled path and find happiness, too. The key point is not to limit yourself by handing over your life decisions to others. Everything else is just an experiment in figuring out who you are and how you want to live.
Every three to five years, I assess my choices to determine my next step. Over time, this reflection has led me to move between states, end friendships, and prioritize my own needs. Building friendships with women of different ages has deeply influenced me and broadened my perspective. Witnessing women who choose marriage and stay child-free, women who desire marriage and children, and women who opt not to partner long-term has taught me that there is no single right way to live.
Some have been widowed young, others have become long-term caretakers, and some have reached for the highest goals only to lose it all. Others lead simple lives that follow society’s typical milestones. You need safety, security, and shelter, so choose how you want to achieve that and go for whatever else your heart desires. We don’t get time back, so the only bad choice is the one you don’t make.
Don’t wait for permission. Don’t wait for certainty. Don’t wait for a crisis to wake you up.
Make today the day you take that step toward the life you want to create. Ask yourself:
What do I want my everyday life to look like?
How close am I to that, and what do I need to do to reach it?
Question everything and say no more often.
Choosing the life you want, no matter your circumstances, will help you avoid hitting that quarter-life and mid-life crisis with a lot of regret. Remember: You don’t owe anyone your time, your peace, your joy, or your life. You deserve to live a wonderful life.
If you've made it this far (THANK YOU!)! My name is Achia, and I live in Atlanta, GA. I will be turning 40 in 2026, and this is part five of a series I’m calling “40 Lessons Before 40.” I’m sharing one story at a time, and I hope you join me on the journey. I look forward to learning from you along the way.
Until next time,